How to Make Enemies at a Storage Auction: Now With More Cats!
Yesterday I wrote an article about how to make friends at a storage auction....but I know what you're really thinking. You know what Val, forget friends! I want everyone to hate me at storage auctions! I don't want anyone to talk to me or help me out ever. Yeah, I want to be a jerk!
Well, you're in luck, because I've just composed a list of some helpful tips that will make you even more despicable than Dave Hester. And let me promise you right now: I personally approve these tips and will 100% guarantee you that they will work.
To illustrate the amount of rage that your actions will undoubtedly cause, I've decided to use pictures of angry cats in this blog post. Because really, there's no better way to describe it. See for yourself.
Ask for Handouts
A great way to get everyone to hate you is to show up to your very first storage auction completely unprepared. I mean it--don't bring anything, except some cash to waste on some junky, overpriced lockers. At this point, you should go around the auction asking to borrow flashlights, locks, umbrellas, and anything else you can get your hands on. Don't offer them money or anything at all in return. Expect that they'll give you everything for free, out of the kindness of their hearts. Sit back and enjoy the eye-rolling and sarcastic comments that ensue.
If you do find someone who is generous enough to let you borrow their possessions, do not return them after the auction. This will put you on the fast track to making your very first enemies! How exciting!
Run Up the Bid
Is it obvious that one of your fellow bidders really wants the unit that's up for grabs right now? Well, why not purposely bid against them? This tactic is especially effective if you don't even want the unit to begin with. Once you've gotten the bid up to a point where the unit isn't even worth the money anymore, stop bidding. Drop out. Make it somebody else's problem.
Trust me, people will detest you for this. You can put the proverbial icing on the cake by laughing really loud and making a comment like "wow, I didn't even want that unit--I was just getting bored!"
Your fellow bidders usually won't be too eager to discuss their personal finances or their storage auction trade secrets, so now would be a great time to start asking questions like "oh, you own a store? How much money do you usually make?" or "who do you sell your antiques to?". Approach people expecting them to hand you all of their trade secrets on a silver platter. If that doesn't work, you can always try snooping around the unit they just won. Make sure you ask questions like "what's in that box?" and "I wonder what that's worth?" or if you're feeling really daring, "hey, can I have this?".
To really get their blood boiling, you can also throw in your expert opinion here by making comments like "You know, Alan and Ton from Auction Hunters sold an antique chair just like that for $10,000, you should hold onto this piece!".
Don't Listen to the Auctioneer
Okay, it's safe to say that you've gotten all of the bidders to hate you--time to move on to your next target: the auctioneer. The best way to make him/her despise you is by not listening to their rules. Did the auctioneer say no cell phones? Who knows, you were too busy listening to the new Nickelback album on your iPhone. Now is also the perfect time to check Twitter, and maybe take a pic of the auctioneer yelling at you to post on Instagram!
No dogs allowed? No problem! You couldn't find a babysitter for Sparky because he bites everyone, but I'm sure the auctioneer will understand! At this point, if you're lucky enough, you might just get kicked out of the auction, and who knows--you might be permanently blacklisted from that facility! Oh, happy day!
So, how does it feel to be the most hated person at your local storage auction? Pretty awesome, right? You should expect to see results within the first 15 minutes of the storage auction. Results may vary from rude comments to black eyes, depending on the temper of your fellow bidders.
Congratulations, you have completed our crash course in how to make enemies at a storage auction! Awesome meowsome!