The Republican Storage Hunter-in-Chief Race (Part 1 of 2)

One great thing about getting involved in storage auctions on a regular basis is becomingrepublican storage hunters a notable figure in the bidding crowd.  When you become part of the “in-circle,” the main advantage is you can form a network of cooperation with your colleagues and meet at least some folks in the middle about lockers you desire and ones they desire.

“Reaching across the aisle,” as they say.

Maybe modern politicians could benefit from such an ideal.  While the Republican Party has set a tradition of displaying grace and cooperation in their debates so as not to disgrace the Party itself, you may have noticed that the gloves always come off as the race gets tighter, the debates longer, the issues more nuanced.  So, in celebration of an election that could be the most critical to the preservation of American society since The Civil War, here’s a fun list of how the 2012 Republican Primary candidates are like the various auction bidders you may encounter on your storage hunting campaign.

Here’s the key code for "getting" the whole story:

  • Buyers = Voters
  • Bidders = Candidates
  • Units = States/Delegate Votes
  • Bids = Policies, Debate Answers
  • Storage Hunting/Storage Auction Elections = The Republican Primaries.


::The Herman Cain (Pretender)::

herman cain

"The Herman Cain" is the kind of bidder to talk and spend himself into a hole due to his complete lack of bidding or resale strategy.  He is new candidate who found Storage Wars glamorous and amusing and decided it was ordained for him.  He is the new guy on the scene who hits one whopper of a locker and boosts his profile for a nanosecond (circa November of 2011, to be precise, when he lead in the storage polls for a week).   is perceived as a serious bidder only to a votership who rival him in their superficial knowledge of how auctions work

The Herman Cain will craft economical catch-all’s like “9,9,9," and by attempting to apply this Dominoes-Pizza-Deal formula to each and every locker, he will surely lose.  His reputation in the bidding crowd will dissipate due to his inflexible bidding strategy, in situations where even laymen can see that he has misvalued a locker.  More critically, his greenness is finally exposed when he gets hung up on elementary questions, hanging himself in the process.

Examples of Cain Bidder Statements You May Here:

“How many hours do I have to clean this thing out?”


“So, let’s break it down.  How much do you want to buy this mattress for, right now, clean and clear? How about 9.99?”


“What is actually going on in Libya?”

The Herman Cain bidder has too many things “twirling around in their head” to ever take a decent crack at actually doing the things the profession demands.


::The John Huntsman Hunter (Tired Sidekick)::

John Huntsman

“The Huntsman Hunter’s” knowledge of related attributes of storage hunting, like the best auction locations or the value of used electronics in China, is deep.  Yet, he will soon decide for himself that he prefers a position of support to outright leadership, perhaps a freelance picker.  Indeed, the Huntsman Hunter has spent years studying the global storage auction picture and can furnish any answer as to who the previous owner was, or how much a certain treasure heap will be worth in years to come.  Sadly, buyers can see that he lacks the immediacy and practicality needed to get the job done solo.

On his own turf, however, he is uncontested.  In Utah based auctions, his intellect and charisma were enough to make other bidders run for the hills.  His resale game was good because he had the market cornered, but his extended stint in China, away from the grind, turned his mind towards Wal-Mart level matters, like counterfeit goods.

When the heat is turned up in the main stage bidding environment, The Huntsman hedges his bets a little bit too much and ends up with bids (policies) that just aren’t enough to silence the competition for good.  Despite winning a few lockers in New Hampshire, The Huntsman Hunter ultimately proves that he is a little too dainty to get his hands dirty and gladly bows out of the storage auction elections.


::The Gingrich (Grandiose Mastermind)::

Newt Gingrich

One of the main reasons “The Gingrich” bidder will stay in the storage hunting game for a considerable time is that he is nearly the whole package.  He has the products and collectables knowledge of The Huntsman with the bidding trigger finger to accompany it in debates.  He is a strong presence who always bids to win.  Because he has the deep pockets to account for losses and the high profile to campaign/distribute his goods to a large customer base, he has enjoyed success for many years and at times surges in the polls, looking like the clear favorite.

His downfall comes when his cocksureness meets his seedy history.  Having spent three decades in and out of prestigious roles on Storage Wars (read: "Congress"), the pure politician has an extensive record that is more or less clean, aside from a few key dirty dealings.

Buyers who once admired The Gingrich cannot trust the smugness of his changing auction partners (wives) so many times to suit his whims.  Additionally, in a tough, cut throat resale market where the poor, the tired, and hungry buyers should be provided for, many could just not tolerate the lucrative side deals The Gingrich made with mega-giant companies like Fanny EBay.  Especially when all of the other candidates have always played by the rules and leveled with buyers.  Or so they claim.

How like a Greek tragedy it is that an auction candidate like The Gingrich will see his hard fought, national resale legacy crumble due to his fatal flaw, narcissism, and return to his home state of South Carolina, the only "unit" he won outright.


So, fellow Americans, it is true that in the auction world you will encounter candidates of these low calibers whose bidding and resale games have too many holes to make a lasting impact.  Check us out later this week to learn about the auction campaign strategies of the front runners, "The Ron Paul," "The Rick Santorum," and "The Mitt Romney."


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